On Fears

One of the things that comes up for me as I weigh and measure our options is fear.  My own fear of everything that makes me anxious.

I tend to be a pretty positive person, so its hard for me to admit and put out there all of the niggling negative talk in my brain.  It’s hard for me to reveal my fears for everyone to look at.  To open up and let everyone stare inside.  But these are real.  They are on my mind.  And they are all the things I’m facing as we make our preparations.

What if I hate it?

What if we spend thousands of dollars to fly to the other side of the world and I absolutely hate it?  I know it’s going to be culture shock and I know it’s going to be a huge lifestyle change.  I’m going to be living out of a backpack.  I’m going to leave my hair dryer behind.  I’m probably going to have to leave my cumbersome knitting projects behind. What if I decide I just hate that and I want to go home?

What if I’m too different?

Let’s be real.  I’m going to be different.  I’m 5’11” with red hair and a freckled face.  I won’t be able to speak the language.  I don’t eat beef and I may not be able to communicate in many places.  This can be filed under my “fear of being too white.”

What if we get sick?

This is a huge one for me.  What if we don’t wash our hands and we get sick?  What if we get sick from delicious dengue-feverstreet food with no Health Department to intervene?  What if we all get Dengue fever?  Or worse…

I know that people get sick.  We get sick at home and flu season hits and when the time changes Romeo always gets sick.  But any kind of sick-on-the-road sick is going to awaken the hypochondriac inside me and think the worst. What if someone gets sick enough to need to go to the doctor or a hospital?  And even beyond that, Romeo has a kidney disease and what if he gets kidney-sick over there?

What if we run out of money?

This is a minor worry compared to the sick worry for me.  Romeo worries about this.  It’s so cheap in all of the main places we are considering.  Plus we are selling our house for the start-up and the nest egg will be in the bank.

What if the business fails?

If the start-up doesn’t get off the ground, the real concern is having to come back to the states and “get a real job.” Romeo is tired of working for the man and he’s too smart to continue doing so.  The start-up could fail.  That’s always a real possibility with a new business.

What if I have no friends?

Loneliness.  This isn’t something I actively worry about, but I wonder what it will be like.  I’m used to calling my best mama friends in the middle of the afternoon for a chat.  If we choose Southeast Asia, its going to be the middle of the night instead of the middle of the day.  That kind of affects my ability to have an afternoon chat with my besties. What if I don’t make friends on the road and I have a hard time keeping up with my friendships back home?  I’m an outgoing introvert, for the record.  Here’s an article to explain what that means. The article references dating an outgoing introvert, but that’s the gist.

What if we can’t all get along?

I love these peeps.  I really do.  But what if I get sick of them?  I’ve worked part-time since my oldest was 2 and I’mstarbucks used to a lot of kid time.  I cut down on my work and increase my kid-time for the summer every year.  And I’ve already homeschooled some of them, so I am used to having the kids around.  But ALL the kids ALL the time and Romeo, too?  Am I going to be able to get in the car, drive away, roam the aisles at Target while I drink a latte when I need to get away from it all?  Um…no.

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